10 Steps To Conquer Jealousy

Jealousy is, without a doubt, one of the biggest relationship killers there is.

A person gets jealous of their spouse’s co-workers, best friends, or even just of the person they get coffee from every morning, and when that happens, they get stupid. No, there’s no easy way to put it – we as people get stupid when we’re jealous. It’s a fact of life.

Because we get stupid, our spouses get angry, and annoyed. They know that nothing is going on, so why don’t you know? Worse, your partner can feel hurt and betrayed by the fact that your jealousy (in their mind) means that you don’t trust them.

When someone feels like their partner is overly jealous, they can get upset, and decide ‘Hey, they think I’m cheating – let’s give them something to really be jealous about’, and it can become a miserable, vicious cycle that no one likes. And in the end, the jealousy will ruin even the most solid marriage or relationship.

Don’t fall into that cycle – don’t get stupid. If you care about your partner, continue reading and discover the 10 steps to jealousy-free living… and with it, a better relationship for both of you.

1. Feel Good About Yourself

One of the reasons that most of us get jealous isn’t because we don’t trust our partners, but it’s because we feel inadequate… it could be about the way we look, the way we are in bed, our personality, or various other things. It’s sad… but it’s not a joke.

One of the easiest ways to help overcome jealousy is to start feeling good about yourself again. If you can feel good about the person that you are, inside and out, you’ll probably feel more confident that your partner isn’t looking for anything else.

This can include a number of things. For women, feeling good about themselves can be as short as a shopping trip, a hair trim, and a set of sexy lingerie – but for men, it can be a lot more complicated. Men can play a round of golf with friends they know are worse than them! Or trade in that old Land Rover for that sexy sports car they’ve had their eye on.

Really, take time to look at yourself – you’re a good person, with a great personality, and your partner is lucky to have you. They don’t need to go anywhere else.

Of course if you do find something about yourself that you would like to change to feel happier (you are overweight, you lose your temper easily) then resolve yourself to change it and take action to do that!

2. Take the Mystery out of Their Day

They say that they went to work… okay… but they get off work at 3, it’s 6, and they still haven’t gotten home. What have they been doing? Out and about with some other person?

Doubtful! Most of us don’t take the time to stop and ask our partners how their day has been, but presume we know exactly what happened instead… don’t be stupid, you have no idea what they did, so don’t make things up. That’s when bad things happen.

Make sure to sit down at least once a week, and talk about your day. You don’t need a play by play account, including what they ate for lunch with whom and what socks they wore, because that will make them feel untrusted. But knowing where your partner is going, what they’re doing, and who they’re with can make you feel better. Make sure you ask because you love them and want to get involved in their life though, pointing a finger of blame at them and telling them you want to know exactly what they have been up to this week is not going to go down well.

Set a time aside, starting with once a week, and make sure no matter what sort of schedules you have, you can meet together and talk. Turn off that TV, and turn down that radio – unplug that phone, and ignore the doorbell. Don’t let any distractions keep you from the person you care about most.

3. Spend Time Together

This seems obvious… and stupid. Right? Spending time together? We spend time together, you say! We see each other every night, you groan! Don’t ever confuse being together and spending time together, because there certainly is a difference.

When you’re together, it means you’re in the same room, or even the same house. But you’re doing completely different things. Maybe they’re talking on the phone, while you’re hanging out on the computer.

But when you’re spending time together, you’re doing things together, just the two of you. This can include going out to eat, sitting and talking in front of a fire, or something else entirely. But it has to involve both of you doing something with the other.

Book a flight to a winter paradise, or a summer dream – it can be a cheap flight, and don’t be afraid to plan in advance. So what, you have plans? Who cares about bowling league, or a girls night out! Make this a priority!

Book a romantic hotel room, and plan out dates around that… yes, I said dates. I don’t mean the numbers representing days, but the sort of dates that you’d go on when you first started dating. From picnics to moonlight walks on the beach, building a snowman and spending time with each other in the hotel room.

This does more than just let you spend time together. This can strengthen your bond, and in some cases, save your relationship entirely as it takes you away from the usual stresses that you have in your home town that might make you jealous.

4. Analyze Your Feelings

I know, I know. You don’t think about it – you just do it. We have a tendency to not consider how we feel until it blows up, often in the form of jealousy or anger against our partner. Not only is this unfair for your partner, but it’s going to be unhealthy for your relationship.

Sit down with yourself for a while, and consider it. Why, exactly, are you jealous in the first place? Is it because you honestly and truly think that your girl or guy is doing something behind your back, or is it because you’ve been cheated on before by another spouse?

Much jealousy stems from experience. Your partner now is not the partner that did you wrong, they are not your mother who cheated on your father, or your best friends partner who slept around behind their back.

You have to remember that your partner now is someone special, and if they’ve been with you for this long, there’s a reason – so don’t discredit them, or yourself.

5. Where Did Your Trust Go?

There was a point in your relationship where you weren’t jealous. There was a point where you trusted your partner, cared deeply, and didn’t want to hurt them. That included not being jealous at all, and letting them do as they please.

When was that time in your lives? Was it a few months ago? A few years ago? Think back to that, and remember that your spouse is that same person that you trusted… don’t be fooled by your anger, because it’s doing you no good.

Try to think of why you stopped that trust. Was it that night they said traffic was bad, but you weren’t sure if they lied about where they were? Or how about that time they came home from drinks with friends, and they smelled like a bar? Sure, they had been drinking, but you weren’t sure what else happened?

Pinpoint the moment you lost trust… and again, don’t let your anger fool you. You cannot ever trust your partner, and feel jealousy, at the same time. They are indeed exclusive things.

Once you have figured out when it was you lost your trust you need to work at getting it back, analyze what you were afraid of, remind yourself that your partner is a good person and that they have never done anything since like that which has aroused your suspicion – but yet you keep treating them like they have been!

6. Building Trust

Like I said before, you cannot trust them and feel jealous… that doesn’t happen, and no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise, that trust is gone, weakened… but it doesn’t have to be gone forever.

Building trust is a vital part of any relationship, and it doesn’t stop when you think you have enough. If your trust is weakened by jealousy and worry, then start rebuilding it from the ground up.

The first step is acceptance. This is, without a doubt, the hardest, too. Accept your partner as they are, for everything that he or she is, without wanting or needing to change anything about them at all. That includes them going out late at night to see friends, and spending time with their coworkers, even if they aren’t the same sex.

Accept them for who and what they are, and what they do… start small, by accepting that they’ll never remember to pick up the laundry without writing it down. Then accept that they’re a little goofy, and like to joke around – or a little serious, and hates football. Accept their traits, and the trust will start to build, just make sure if you start doubting them again you go back to square one and start again!

7. Don’t Let Your Jealousy Take Hold

Jealousy is a stickler, and many people let it control them, taking hold of what they’re doing – their actions, their words, and even their thoughts. Never let this happen to you. Never get to the point where your jealousy is controlling you!

Why? Well, we do stupid things when we’re jealous, and if we let our jealousy get the better of us, more stupid things will follow. Like giving them an ultimatum – you either choose between your friends, or me. They’re going to choose you, of course… but they’re going to resent you for the choice. But at the end of the day, who do they come home to? Their friends, or you?

If your jealousy would have its way, they would be locked in a closet day in and day out, so that you always knew where they were and what they were doing. But no one can live in that closet, literally or figuratively – don’t force them, which is what jealousy will do.

If you feel your jealousy, or anger, taking over, take a few deep breaths, and think about the situation. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you not listening? Really stop for a moment, and remember that they can’t be locked in that proverbial closet. They need space.

Jealousy is all about your fear of losing your partner to someone else, but think of it this way, if you are jealous and possessive you will lose them because of that attitude. A jealous and possessive person is not lovable so if you want to keep them you HAVE to keep your jealousy under control. Remember that the next time you are having trouble controlling it.

8. Realize That They Are a Person Too

Your partner is a living, breathing, functioning person. They wake up like you do, feel like you do, and bleed like you do. That means that they have feelings, and you need to respect that. Your yelling, screaming, and your jealousy effect them more than you probably think, so don’t ever do something you think you’re going to regret, and never purposefully hurt them… that’s just promoting more jealousy.

Also, keep in mind that they need their freedom. Like I said before, you can’t lock them into that closet – you can’t throw away the key and keep them next to you forever and ever. That’s not fair to them, or fair to you. And chances are, if you try to, your partner is going to try harder to get away.

Give them the freedom they so deserve. This isn’t the dark ages, and your partner isn’t yours to own. Let them go out if they want, but know where they are going. Let friends come over, too, so that you can meet the people they spend time with, and realize that they’re not the sex maniacs you might have envisioned.

Give them the freedom that they need, and they truly will love and respect you for being that big of a person to do so. That’s what keeps a relationship strong.

9. Meet Their Friends

Many people get jealous because their spouse is choosing another person’s company over themselves. We hate that we don’t know who our own partner is going out with – and sometimes, we can feel like we should get the ‘final say’ on who the person we love spends time with.

Well… you get no such thing. They’re going to spend time with who they want, when they want. You can’t change that, and trying to control them will make them want to be spend yet more time away from you… something neither of you truly want.

Instead of forcing your partner, ask them to invite some of their friends over one weekend. Not everyone, of course, but have a barbeque or afternoon meal, and let people come over. Not only will you have a lot of fun, but you’ll be able to meet the people that you’ve heard so much about.

Don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to ask for this. Let your spouse know that you don’t want to feel the way you do – you want to know their friends so that you’ll feel more comfortable when they do go out with them. Remember that it’s not a contest, but a chance to get to know everyone your spouse loves spending time with.

10. Communication

I think the number one reason marriages and relationships fail isn’t because they sleep with other people. It isn’t because of that one night stand, or the fact that you drink too much on the weekends. It’s because you lack communication in your relationship.

So instead of blaming it on your spouse, or yourself, start with improving your communication skills. Tell your lover about your day – and they’ll tell you about theirs. Talk about the future, and what you want to do with your life ten, fifteen, even twenty years down the road.

Also, remember these tips to improve your communication,

• Focus on the present. You don’t need to bring up the past to make a point, and never shove a previous mistake in their face. It just makes your lover want to talk to you less and less.
• Always listen to what they’re saying. I’m not saying that you should listen to think of what you’re going to say later, but listen to what they’re saying, and reflect on the meaning of the words. Don’t get defensive, no matter what they’re talking about, and don’t interrupt.
• See from their point of view – yeah, they might have screwed up. Hey, you might have screwed up. But look from their point of view – it could have been an accident. You need to see it the way they do, before you consider anything else.

Getting over the jealousy can be hard. It’s easier to give in, and not care… but jealousy will, without a doubt, destroy your relationship.

Remember that your partner cares about you, and wants you to be happy with yourself, and your relationship. Work together, love each other, and in the end, if you do it right, everything will work itself out for the best.